'Temper Tampon' and Other Mental Shenanigans

I have weird hobbies.

For instance, I love getting into line-o-rama battles with my best friend/old college roommate/man wife. A few years ago we fell headfirst into a text-message duel of Chuck Norris jokes, which evolved into Justin Bieber jokes, which inspired me to create the fake Twitter account for @NotJustinBiebe1.

The other day, it started again when he sent me a text that read, simply, “Unplanned Parenthood: Say yes to the steps!” My response was to send the above image, to which he responded that he wanted to design a shirt that said “Unplanned Parenthood,” with the letters spelled out in unbent coat hangers. I won’t take you through the entire exchange, but here are a few highlights that illuminate the path from inane text message to one-liner insanity.

“Smartphones: Taking masturbation in the 21st century.”
“Alcohol: Keeping teen pregnancy strong.”
“Drunk: Making the ride home fun.”
“Meth: Because brushing your teeth is annoying.”
“Facebook: Ruining high school for everyone.”
“Twitter: Because there isn’t a garbage disposal for your dumb thoughts.”

But by far, my favorite game of mental hula hooping involves brainstorming names for Roller Derby girls. The following are some of my favorites. Post a comment if you think you can do better.

Temper Tampon
Move Ovary
Kill-toris
Pre “Mental” Syndrome
The Women’s Suffering Movement
Dystopian Tubes

Apocalipstic
Prom Night Dumpster Katie
Fully Loaded Re-Vulva
Camel "Toe"rnado
Beast Infection (although, I have to give credit to my girlfriend on this one)
Vag Blaster (maybe not my most inventive)