Top 20 Peruvian Pre-Flight Fears

 Aghhhhhh!

Aghhhhhh!

As I write this, the clock is ticking ever closer to my takeoff time (I guess this applies to Ashley Schwellenbach, too) for Peru. And because I’m both an idiot and a masochist, I’ve spent the last few days and weeks trawling through forums and tip sheets, an endeavor that has left me rocking back and forth between complete excitement and pure, nightmarish terror.

On the plus side, this has created a collection of fears that swings pendulously from the very real, to the completely absurd. Here are my top 20.

  • Being kidnapped by an unregistered taxi.
  • Being robbed by a roadside window smasher while stuck in traffic in a taxi.
  • Being cornered and robbed by a group.
  • Seeing anything happen to my girlfriend.
  • Having to poop in front of my girlfriend.
  • Accidentally saying “escucha me,” which actually means “listen to me,” when I really want to say “excuse me.”
  • Losing my camera.
  • Breaking my camera.
  • Getting robbed for my camera.
  • Getting yelled at for taking candid shots of people on the street.
  • Accidentally eating guinea pig.
  • Living the rest of my life knowing that I could have eaten guinea pig but didn’t.
  • Succumbing to vertigo on the Inca Trail/Machu Picchu climb.
  • Shrieking at the site of snakes, spiders, and other large terror-inducing insects.
  • Being stopped, boarded, robbed, and worse by militant groups while traveling by bus.
  • Getting a case of nightmarish diarrhea while traveling by bus.
  • Throwing away used toilet paper in the trash because Peruvian toilets can’t handle it.
  • Blisters from hiking.
  • Unflattering chafing.
  • Being over encumbered by a souvenir bag full of Peruvian toys and candy.